The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
