I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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