It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Randomize
