Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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