Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Randomize