Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
