My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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