She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
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