Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
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