gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
