tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
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