I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
