He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
