I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Blood and glitter go together right?
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Randomize
