I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Randomize
