TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
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