apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
