best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
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