i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Randomize
