The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong