we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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