Apparently you make a good broom.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
The air was thick with penises
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
