He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
