Too much gin, very little bucket
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
