It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
