Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
