dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
