He told me they were just razor bumps!
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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