Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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