I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
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heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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