Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
