Betty ford says i'm here all night
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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