i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Randomize
