we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
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If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
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I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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