You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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