I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
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