You smell like stripper and shame
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Randomize
