If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
We need to rekindle our bromance
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Randomize
