Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
