I'm gonna have a badass scar
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
