I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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