Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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