oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
‪I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse. ‬
Randomize
