would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
