Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
