cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
