I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
