I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
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