I can't watch pbs sober anymore
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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