If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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