I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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