So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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