I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Randomize
