I puked a lego.
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
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