Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
