My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
