Moan for me like Helen Keller
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize
