just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
