so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
