Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
We need to get me chipped asap
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
